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Add comment November 5, 2007
It’s not that way
“`Better luck if I’d thought of it sooner,’ said Sam. ‘Maybe you remember them putting the ropes in the boats, as we started off: in the elvish country. I took a fancy to it, and I stowed a coil in my pack. Years ago, it seems. “It may be a help in many needs,” he said: Haldir, or one of those folk. And he spoke right.’
`A pity I didn’t think of bringing another length,’ said Frodo; `but I left the Company in such a hurry and confusion. If only we had enough we could use it to get down. How long is your rope, I wonder?’
Sam paid it out slowly, measuring it with his arms: ‘Five, ten, twenty, thirty ells, more or less,’ he said.
‘Who’d have thought it?’ Frodo exclaimed.
`Ah! Who would? ‘”
He was lying on the bed upside down reading some random page from the most random book he could put his fingers on it just to keep himself occupied after the not very wonderful dinner he had with his friends.
“Nate, go open the door, someone’s waiting outside for you.” his wife said loudly from another room.
He yawned and stretched like a cat in his basket, “how do you know it’s for me.” he said lazily.
“I don’t, I’m ironing your t-shirt so shake a leg right now.”
“Shit, I bet they’re ringing the wrong house.”
“You said what?”
“Nothing, I’m goin’”
He wrapped himself in the mattress and ran downstairs to find out who the bugger was.
“You rang……” he said as he opened the door but couldn’t finish his sentence by the sight of his unwelcome guest.
“I’m sorry darling; I really didn’t mean to hurt you. Actually I thought you forgave me.”
Ace said sadly with his hands behind his back hiding something from the host.
Nate put his hands on Ace’s shoulder and mucked up a fake kiss as he ran his left hand downward just to stop when his hand gripped Ace’s hands.
“Woooohooo is this for me?” he asked childishly.
“Yes, darling. Would you forgive me?” Ace asked helplessly still standing by the door.
“I gotta think about it, eeerrr it depends…”
“On what?” Ace asked hurriedly.
“I dunno I gotta pee, it depends on hhhmmm how long it takes to pee.” and he ran hurriedly to the bathroom.
Ace followed his strange way of running and his thought became still as he shot the door.
“Why don’t you come in? You know where the vase is, don’t you?” Nate shouted from bathroom.
Ace came in hesitantly shutting the door behind and heading to the kitchen. There were dishes left from a dinner for 3 so obviously he had something after they left the restaurant. He bent and opened the cupboard to find the vase for the flowers he brought for his boyfriend.
“Hi honey.” he heard a female voice calling him from behind and making him jump from the shock.
“Hi Eliza, hope you weren’t sleeping when I rang, I know it’s pretty late for a visit.” he really felt embarrassed of his after 10 o’clock visit but he couldn’t sleep without seeing him.
“Nope, I had a little house work to do and Raphaela just went to bed but I think Nate was half asleep as it took him pretty long to get outta bed.
Mind you, he looked really tired. And I feel exhausted and I have to get early tomorrow. If you’re hungry, you can eat whatever you like. Good night.” Eliza waved him good night, drank her nightly glass of water and went upstairs.
“He came home and had dinner, she wants get up early and he’s been sleeping at 10, what the hell is going on here.” Ace wondered as he poured water in the vase.
The water was cold and the day looked gloomy with the sun behind the clouds, he looked at the pile of dishes waiting to be washed and then at the bathroom door that was still close with the light on.
He put the vase on the table and opened the fridge just to find out he didn’t want anything to eat. He sat down on looked at the clock ticking its hands on its face trying to hide a guilty face. The lights of the bedrooms went off and the house looked dark with the dim light in the kitchen.
He was still in the bathroom, and Ace couldn’t sit still and do nothing, he moved to the washbowl and started washing the dishes, they weren’t too dirty but if left for next day, it would take lots of time to get it cleaned.
He was almost done with the washing when he felt someone’s fingers making heart-shape movements on his ass. He turned his head, the bathroom door was still closed but the light was still on.
“Thanks Ace. It’s been a nightmare just to wash the dishes before bed.” Nate said wickedly.
“So who’s in the bathroom?” Ace asked as he turned off the faucet and dried his hands with his jeans.
-“no one.”
“It still hurts, right?”
-“yes, so Waddya wanna do?”
“You forgave me, didn’t you?”
Nate opened the cupboard and took a bowl of crackers and put it on the table.
“You forgave me? Or you’re trying to take revenge on me?” Ace asked pleadingly.
“Assume I didn’t, what can you do?”
“Nate, for the sake of the ones you love, ask me do something so you can forgive me.” he was almost crying with his face down and his eyes looking on the traces of an overturned sauce on the mosaics on the floor.
“You ruined my dinner party, how can you explain your bad manners?” Nate asked angrily.
“Dinner? How do you call it dinner party when you didn’t eat anything at all?”
-“whatever, gimme reasons to forgive you.”
“You shouldn’t have invited him.”
“You’re telling me so? Who the fuck you think you are? My nanny? Older brother or may be my dad?!! He’s a friend of mine, deal with that.” Nate looked really furious, crushing the crackers between his fingers and letting the crust fell on the table.
“How long you’re been dating?” Ace asked firmly.
-“how long? So you’re looking for the length of time you’ve been fired?”
“So does he love you? Can he satisfy your needs?” Ace paused a little then went on “is he big? A giver or taker?” he looked helpless.
Nate stood up and stared into his eyes, biting his lower lips and swallowing his saliva noisily as if he was swallowing his anger.
He put his hand on Ace’s hand that was obviously shaking.
“You’re wrong Ace. You’re wrong about me, him, and yourself. I love you so much. You were the one who told me he’s doubtlessly gay and I’ve been working with him for a while without even noticing. He’s so lonely, he needs help. He needs our help and he’s not in the right place.”
“But you went to his place.”
-“what do you wanna say? No we didn’t have sex? Satisfied? You know I’m a bottom and you know I can’t have sex cos my boyfriend ripped my tight ass the other day.”
“It hurts, right?”
-“worse than you can imagine.”
“I’m sorry Nate, you know I was………” Nate put his hand on Ace’s lips to stop him.
“I know, I know, no need to explain the shit you done to me. It hurts for sure but I’m not that stupid to end our friendship for such a silly thing. it won’t happen again, right?” he winked at Ace and kissed him gently on his cheek; Ace kissed him in return holding his hand tightly.
“So what do you wanna do for Ron?”
-“I can’t do much, he needs to find that person till then he can have our support; at least he can talk about his feelings without being hated.”
“Ok, I’m gonna apologize to him tomorrow. so what’s the plan for tomorrow?”
-“we’re going fishing. You can stay at home and help your sister with the house work!” Nate said cheerfully.
“We? Who do you mean?”
“Hhhmmm me and my family, now go home. See you on Monday.” then he pushed him toward the door.
Ace resisted for a few seconds then turned his face for the last kiss. Their tongues danced happily together as Ace pulled Nate close and whispered. “So I have to go right now?”
Nate nodded while his tongue was busy licking Ace’s cheek.
“And what if I stay here for a night?” Ace asked hesitantly.
Nate put his arms round Ace and moaned happily. “Let’s go back to the kitchen and have something, then we can go to the bedroom.”
Add comment June 24, 2007
monologue
Last week was a mixture of loneliness, lust, boredom and being so out of reach, I missed him so bad.
I even tried switching to some heterosexual feelings as I still believe to be bisexually gay. It didn’t work at all and my wife didn’t try to help me, even a little. All those male-female stuff made me sick to death and male-male relations made me look more for the big gap I felt inside my heart as if an invisible bullet hit it a while ago. I was never there for him and I didn’t try to be there because he was the one in charge, and me being a submissive boy, never protested against so much giving and care.
But last week he wasn’t there for me; no one was there as the whole place inside was so dark and damp. He was away to his son and ex-wife trying to be a good responsible caring dad. He went with tones of cheerful ideas to share with his son on his birthday and all he got was being insulted and offended in any possible way his wife and her husband could offer. To me everything looked so unfair, as I imagined him having great fun with his son while my wife was using me as a shopping robot, I was so tired of “buy this/buy that” calls as if she couldn’t see my existence more than a big credit card and a bigger supermarket. At last the cursed Thursday came and everyone was almost prepared for the big bash, yet he wasn’t there for his own birthday party.
If I could take a few days off, I definitely took him to some gay clubs with all the lights and sounds and smells. They are the only places you can both have fun and smell men at the same time. Handsome men are everywhere and all you need is just opening your mouth to be filled with fresh meat. I even thought of a little help from X or toking weed for a change but he wasn’t even there.
And there was this twink in my office that had all the signs he needed to make my gaydar aware of his presence. Apart from being on my nerve since his first day at my office, unfortunately he wasn’t my kind and I had enough of improper affairs with my ex I really didn’t want to try it again any time soon.
The first thing I need from the other guy is the feeling of security that I was sure I couldn’t get from the twink and well he was a bit young for me. I know 2 years is no big deal in any relationship but I love being well looked after by older people before becoming the guy they are looking for.
So I was stuck in an anti-homosexual city with no bar or place to go and there was no other gay couple as far as I was aware of and he wasn’t there. I really had no idea what to do because I didn’t enjoy getting ready for his party without him around and I never enjoyed cooking so there was no chance of me helping the girls with the food.
At last he came. He came when I really didn’t expect him to be there. Just hearing his voice was too much for me in desperate need of his caress and touch. I was too excited that I forgot all those everyday caution we paid to our behavior and closeness in public places because we didn’t want to be caught red handed!
And he was there, exhausted and broken hearted but he was there for me with his usual magical smile and he looked so gorgeous I could hardly stop myself admiring him as if I was meeting him for the first time.
So I ran to him, jumping up on him with my arms round his neck and my legs round his waist breathing the air he breathed. It felt so good having him back that I forgot all the time I hated him for leaving me on my own.
He was in my bony arms and he didn’t try to avoid me the way he always does, just to make me want him more and more. There was no dominant feeling there, for the first time I was doing whatever I wanted and that scared me so I let him go. I held his hand and looked into his eyes and he was looking else where, somewhere far I couldn’t see and suddenly I saw hatred, pain and despair in his look, I turned around and there he was. The twink was standing there smiling triumphantly. We were caught and we didn’t know how much he had seen. In a critical second I made my mind, let his hand slip from mine, whispered good bye and turned to the twink still standing there by the back door.
And I didn’t even look back to see him go. How much I wanted to hold him in my arms, kiss his full lips, bite his tongue and run my naughty tongue in his sweet mouth and on his salty cheeks. how much I wanted to let him slip a hand in my tight jeans and squeeze my ass cheeks, how much I wanted to rub my crotch against his, feeling the bulge against the denim, but he was gone or I was gone without doing any of them.
It was so hard to concentrate on my work, the papers looked familiar but those random unusual signs were so unfamiliar to my eyes. I could see him everywhere and I couldn’t stop thinking how much I wanted him, how much I needed to feel him inside. I hated the whole town, I hated everyone, I wanted to shoot them with a machine gun, and I wanted to see their straight blood running on the floors.
It was so hard to finish those papers and not to strangle that twink. Why he looked so proud of himself!?!!
By 8 I was almost done with my work so I dialed his number, 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8…. He wasn’t there. Then where was he? I called his sister, hearing my wife’s voice and the little girl was screaming for some unknown reasons. I held on till Eliza went to see why the little one was crying. I wanted to hang up when I heard her again. She told me Ace was sleeping in his room and she and his sister were still preparing for the party and she wouldn’t be home earlier than midnight. I kissed her good bye and drowned in my dreams. So he wasn’t going to pick me up that night, there wasn’t any living person at home and I wasn’t in the mood of helping them with the preparation, “then what?” I asked myself.
I looked at the amount of work I had for the next day; the shining sun outside teasing me with his rays and well I had 4 hours with nothing much to do. I decided to stay there for a while and finish some of my work; I was going home early tomorrow afternoon, come shine or rain. It was his birthday and no one could make me stay so long.
So there I was sitting at my desk and trying to finish as much work I could when Ron came in with a grin on his face still proud of what he saw or at least I felt so.
“Staying late?”
“Seems so!”
“Ok, I’m gonna stay with you.”
“No, you can go home. There’s no need.” and I really wanted him to go but he insisted so I let him stay.
I worked and worked and worked and he watched and watched and watched. I left office round 11 pm and the sun was still sending his rays to hit me on the head. That is the reason I love living in North Pole, you have a little chance to sleep well on summer nights and days are awfully endless!
He followed me like my shadow and suddenly I thought he really wanted to come home with me so I asked where he lived and if he didn’t want to get into his car and drive away because I was going to walk home.
He named a place but now I think he made it up just to find out where I lived, he already knew my neighborhood but there was this strangling curiosity to know which house was mine; so he came with me. On a cross-section I waved him goodbye and took a longer way home as if I was afraid he came to the house and fucked me while I was asleep.
It was pretty dark when I got home. No one was inside and the silence was so long and deep that I would have hanged myself if I could find a rope.
I took my boots off and ran upstairs. The bedroom was empty, the little girl’s room was empty, the whole place was empty and suddenly the house looked so big I was afraid of going downstairs to the kitchen to have something for dinner.
Without changing my clothes I jumped on the empty bed, sleeping diagonally with my hands and legs spread as if I was trying to cover each and every inch on the bed. It felt so cold, so did I; and how much I wanted to feel the weight of someone else on my back, how much I wanted to feel a hard cock ready to tear my hole, how much I wanted him by my side.
The feeling of cold mattress under my throbbing cock didn’t help me at all. I was too tired to jerk off and well he would hate me for wasting my energy and seed the next day.
I can’t remember when she came back, I can’t even remember when she woke me up and made me change my clothes.
With early rays I woke up because I can never sleep with the lights on. Silently I crept out of the bed; she was sleeping on her own side, almost naked with only her pants on. She looked beautiful or I felt so but I was too gay at that moment to admire her beauty.
I went downstairs and the place didn’t look so scary like the night before. Though I spent most of the week shopping our fridge was fucking empty. I looked inside the cupboards for some chocolates and all I found was a bowl full of crackers surely hidden, not very carefully, from me.
“What else could I have beside a glass of milk?”
I took the crackers and pocket of milk to the room, laid on my favorite sofa and stretched to grab the book I was reading, the one I bought for his birthday but couldn’t help not to read it before giving to him.
I enjoyed the gay characters but didn’t like what I was reading then. Someone was dying of AIDS and his lover couldn’t do anything for him. How much I wanted him to be there, how much I missed Ace.
I was in the condolence sense of the story when I heard a knock on the window; I raised my head a bit just to see whether it was an angry moose tapping on the window or a hungry grizzly bear. Nothing was out there.
I went on reading but then I heard the fingers tapping on the window again, it wasn’t later than 4.30 am so no kid was out there playing little dirty tricks on me.
I was a bit furious as I raised my head again to find no one out there.
I heard another knock as I tried to find the sentence I was reading. I was out of my mind so furiously I put down the book and went to see what was bothering me so early in the morning.
There he was standing in his quite wet sleeveless shirt and glowing in sweat. So he went for a run without me, which was so unfair. For a moment I hated him so much that I decided not to let him in. he knocked louder.
“Bastard!” he was going to wake up the girls and the little girl turns to a real bitch when you wake her up too early.
I pulled the window open and there he came. He was standing so close I could feel the heat emitting by his hot body as he hold me in his arms, leaning forward to kiss me on my cheek.
***
Sitting on the stairs at the back of my office and eating my so-called lunch at half past 2 containing a can of coke and a burger, I started digging a hole with my boot soles and smelling soil thinking summers in Alaska are as boring and rough as winters with inches of snow remaining for most of the year.
A bird jumped closer as if it was waiting for its share of my lunch.
I sipped at my coke and took a thorough look at my half eaten burger.
“And what must I do with you?” I asked the burger, then thought of him and his smile. He would surely eat the rest of my burger saying I never eat food like a human being, I just enjoy playing with it and he was quite right because I never enjoyed eating except chocolates or any other sweet thing.
I’ve seen him in the morning and had breakfast with him but still there was the feeling of being missed for lunch. I hated meetings that lasted so long you had no time to eat lunch with those special ones.
Things had gone out of control since he went to see his son and then being a real jackass on his birthday party that me, my wife and his sister worked so hard to make it fabulous, put me on very bad moods and so much curiosity to know what he was hiding from me that on father’s day we had a big fight and things get worse when it is a male-male fight with heavier punches and more bruises.
I took a look at my watch, gee, I’ve been sitting there for 10 minutes and it was time to go back inside. The sparrow like bird was still jumping up and down and digging random holes hopefully looking for its lunch.
Addressing the bird as if it could understand what I said, I shook my burger in the air and asked:” look, I don’t want this, so do you mind havin’ my burger as your lunch?”
The bird got closer and I stood up to throw the bread at the bird and the rest of the burger to the garbage can.
“Thanks”
I heard someone approaching me from behind so I turned my head to look for the source of unwelcome noise.
“You know I was really hungry and didn’t know how to fill this empty cave. So are you sure you don’t wanna eat it yourself?”
There he was, standing right beside me with his usual grin that gave me a retching feeling. He grabbed my burger from my hand and took a full-mouth bite of it and made the terrible sound of a hungry wolf tearing the raw meat of its prey.
“It tastes much better than I expected so why you didn’t eat it?” he asked with his mouth full.
“I don’t eat much.” I explained and bent to pick my can from the stair I was sitting on. His hand brushed past my butt with a little hesitation then he went one step higher to pretend it was accidental.
I re-tied the laces to give him more time to ogle my ass as I felt he was enjoying what he was seeing.
“So where’s your friend? He didn’t come for lunch as usual.” he asked swallowing his last bite.
I leaned against the banister to have a better view of his young face.
“Actually I told him not to come cos I had a meeting, you know.” I said as a matter of fact.
“What about yesterday or the day before that?” he smiled wickedly and looked pleased by his own smartness.
“Well….” I tried to find an excuse and saying the truth was not on my mind. “He was busy with his own life and family. There’s no reason for meetin’ me at lunch time everyday, we’re just friends!” and I was pleased with my answer, specially the last sentence being what he told me a few days ago that somehow broke my heart.
I remember slapping him hard across his face and repeating what he told me.” Waddya mean we’re just friends? Then what the fuck were we doin all this time? Do you say those stupid love words you’re callin’ me everyday for all your friends?!”
He put his hand on my shoulder to make everything look friendly and said:” but he was picking you up for lunch every day since the time I moved here.”
“So you were watchin’ me? What else you know? How many times I went out with my wife? How many times I brought Raphaela to the office?”
Suddenly I was insisting on my heterosexual part the way Ace insisted on it during his birthday party as if I was just a friend and actually his sister’s best friend’s husband and nothing more. Remembering his anger and hatred refusing Ron’s gift and calling the boy “desperate faggot looking for straight men” brought a smile to my lips. I love all those denials Ace makes, he is so afraid of being accused of being HOMOSEXUAL.
Ron moved closer to me and made me bend over the banister to avoid physical contact.
“Nate, stop saying nonsense. You know what I am talking about, don’t you?”
He was too close and if I wanted to avoid him I had to jump to the yard or push him away so I put my hand on his chest and pushed him backward.
“No, not really. I have no fucking idea what you’re trying to conclude from all the random things you said!” I tried to go back inside but he grabbed my hand and pushed me against the wall.
“You broke up with him, didn’t you?” he asked firmly as if I had to choose between death and answering him.
“No we didn’t, we just had a bit of misunderstandin’ and a little argument.” I was surprised by my sincere answer without protesting against his idea of Ace being my boy friend. “See, I was right. Your boyfriend behaves so badly around strangers. I just wanted to be a friend of yours.”
“But your birthday present was so inappropriate; we don’t give each other such things.” I was trying hard to explain Ace’s bad behavior without any obvious reason to myself.
“I see how you’re on his side, then where has he gone if he’s that sweet.”
“Bitch, you better stop poking your big nose into other people’s affairs that have nothing to do with you.” I pushed him hard and went inside without looking back.
“I should have never invited him to his party as a means of bribing him into keeping his big dirty mouth shut.” That was all I could think of at that moment.
“Nate, some one’s waiting for you on the phone.” my secretary told me finding me standing by the men’s room with water dropping from my face as if I was trying to avoid feeling of sleepiness.
I ran to my room, picking up the phone.
“Hello?”
“Hi babe, where had you gone? I’ve been waitin’ for a good five minutes just to hear your voice.”
“Sorry Ace; went to the men’s room actually.”
“That’s a fine excuse if I find no dried semen in your pants. So when are you going home?”
“I’ll be done by 4.”
“Ok, then I’ll be there at 4, see you later.” and he hung up without saying another word.
1 comment June 22, 2007
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Add comment June 22, 2007
